I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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