cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
