I think im going to throw up on grandma
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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