Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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