Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
