I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
