Please, let me fuck your mom
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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