If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
