The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
