Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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