Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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