loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
