take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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