I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
