I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
