Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
