In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
