Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
