i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
