you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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