So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
