Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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