you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
