Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
