I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize