You work out of a Hotel?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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