The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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