So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
