Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
