Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
