Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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