I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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