Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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