what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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