I puked a lego.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
