Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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