turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
