I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
