If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
