Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
