What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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