Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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