A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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