remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize