Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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