His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize