The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
