to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
