my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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