he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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