i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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