she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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