Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
