life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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