I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
