I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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