hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
