Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
